The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
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