I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
