Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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