I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
