can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
