I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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