Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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