I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
