I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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