when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
