grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Bring me that man meat
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
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