there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Randomize
