My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
