He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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