how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
