i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
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