Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
