She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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