I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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