god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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