Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Boobs are out for the taking
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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