Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.
Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
