so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Randomize
