I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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