Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Randomize
