I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
