THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
