I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
