This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
The feeling are messing with the penis
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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