wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
