I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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