It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
