I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
