What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
