I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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