Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Randomize
