I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
