You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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