i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
