I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
