is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
