my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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