turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Randomize
