don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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