38 yer olds are good kisserssss
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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