Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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