it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
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