Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
