How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
