Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I need water and some morals
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
