Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
