Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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