I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
